MY REALITY

Calgary, AB, Canada
This post is completely going to be different and most likely going to be the most authentic I ever wrote. I think that many people are either going to understand where I'm coming from or maybe going to think that I've been giving up but you all need explanation from me because it won’t be fair on my end. I want people to see where I'm currently at right now in MY reality. I feel like I am no longer “living” or I no longer have a purpose in my life. When I told myself to just take it day by day, I didn’t realize that “day by day” is not what I have in my reality. I keep referring reality because my reality is something that people needs to be aware. I wake up every morning and realize that my husband will be injecting me with drugs every single day and multiple times a day on a daily basis. This is what I look "forward" to every day, a few injections of drugs and just go back to whatever I’m doing. What am I doing though? This is also not my reality, this is my husband’s reality as well. 

I can never go back to what I was doing in my life because I can’t and I’m not able to because of my circumstances for being not in the right current mind physically and emotionally. I was lost a few days ago and as crazy as it sounds, I went to another dimensional world. Maybe you will think I’m going crazy, I probably am but that world that I was in was a painful world. It was just another shitty world that I had to get myself into which I didn’t understood why did I had to go to THAT world but when I realize I came back to my reality, this isn’t any better as well. 

I am “living” my life but I no longer have a purpose. I am currently in pain and I don’t know how to explain this life that I am currently “living”. I can’t even look at my loved ones with hope and faith because I no longer have it in me or I just can’t have it every day. I’m disappointing myself and I’m disappointing every one surrounding me. 

I feel like God has given up on me and this is something that I’m really struggling with because I’ve trusted him and I feel like he has failed me this time. My faith is really struggling as you can tell. I look back at my life and I can no longer have that. I can never have what I used to have. I’m here at home and “living” life by taking all these drugs to keep me “alive”. I’ve already accepted that I’m ill and I’m not getting cured. Drugs after drugs after drugs… I am bruised all over my body. I can’t even look at myself. That’s how much I’m hurting not just emotionally but physically when I look at the mirror. 

God is giving me days or I don’t even know anymore but it’s no longer what I want if you ask me because it’s not living anymore. I woke up this morning and read Job 7. It’s probably the worse chapter to read in the bible but of all the bible chapter, this is where he lead me? Isn’t that crazy how he lead me to that chapter? If you ask me, it’s not a coincidence but it's definitely something that questioned my faith once again. 

So you’re wondering what now? What am I going to do with my life? I can’t move back to where I was as much as I want to but I also can’t move forward because there’s nothing to move forward to. 

I struggle every single day because as much I want to try to be positive and maybe do whatever I want during the day simply by enjoying the sun, I can’t really because the medications that’s being inserted on me just drains me and makes me go back to bed so I can “wake up” and not feel nauseas. 

My family is struggling and eventually, they will have to send me away to a hospice when they can no longer handle my situation. So what do I do now? I don’t really know… I’m trying my best to stay positive but I don’t know how...

This is my reality but like I said, Im struggling just like everyone else. 

But you know what, God works in mysterious ways...he always seems to find me and I always seem to come back to him. I learned to just realize that I can never understand the way he works but at some point, he always seem to find me in the worse situation and never gave up on me. 

God, I'm still holding on to you...I know you're not giving up on me.



20 comments

  1. Micah, that's a difficult situation you are in...I'm sorry to hear it...I wish you could be drug free but I know that's not possible...

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  2. I know it is easier said than done. But you do have a purpose in this world. Your husband and family is your purpose. To be happy along side your love ones. To be a mother one day. That is your purpose. Keep fighting, stay brave. Nothing is this world is easy and we might not understand all the hard ache but know that it will all be worth it. Please don't give up on yourself or your husband. One day, you will have a daughter or a son and you will see how all of this will be worth it. Living is worth it. You can do it!

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  3. My beautful friend,

    God has a plan for all of us. You are part of God's plan. Your pain is hard and Jesus see that and he knows that you are giving him a signal of all your love with it. Holly marie in heaven please take care of my beautiful friend and be with her during this time. I love you with all my heart and always pray for you and your family.
    Lina

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  4. Oh Micah... I feel your pain.
    Thanks for being honest and sharing your struggle. I mustn't be easy for you... I pray and think of you each day. Don't you ever (ever) doubt about your purposes in life. You arr a star, a light, an angel... going through a very difficult life challenge. I wish and pray for you not to suffer. Sending you love, Véro

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  5. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. It must be so difficult when you feel so drained and in constant pain to find hope, but I know you have lots of pure love around you. Your family, friends and anonymous individuals like myself. As you question your purpose, I truly feel like you have created a purpose without maybe knowing it. With your journey and the rawness of your ups and downs, your strength and determination, your faith has impacted if not 1 person but hundred's. You have given someone else light in the darkness without knowing it which serves an undeniable purpose. I am sending all my love and positive light your way and I wish for you to be able to enjoy your life without any more pain or drugs xo.

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  6. Ate Micah, you're in our prayers and thoughts. What you're feeling is not wrong. It's real but remember that you fought with all your efforts to be here. We love you. "It's not over yet".

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  7. It's really really hard for me to say that I understand your physical and emotional pain, because though I can say I can imagine how much pain you go through now, but the truth is the real pain you endure everyday must be 10 times greater than the pain I can only imagine of. One thing I believe is I know no matter how much pain induced by this disease, you are still a formidable fighter, and remember the greatest purpose of all our lives is no matter how difficult the situations are, we must all fight for the greater cause which cherish our lives in different courses. Your absolute purpose is to keep fighting, and keep believing in yourself, and people who love you. Your fight has really influenced me, and strengthened my belief in the life path I chose. Keep fighting my dearest, and remember in our life paths, we all fight, and the simplest reason is it's never easy for us to come to this world, and we don't give up easy either. We are all soldiers of our own life battles.
    Love you forever: Andre

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  8. let Micah express herself...life is full of struggles no matter what the situation...full of trials and tribulations...we would not be able to see the light if not for the darkness...we could not feel joy if we did not know sadness...there is a season for everything underneath the sun...

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  9. "God" did not do this to you. "God" has not given up on you.
    I'm sure at some point, you read and understood the science behind genes that don't split properly and how cancer happens.
    "God" has provided you with a husband, a family, and up until this point a life. You could have died a younger age alone in the Philippines. But you didn't.
    So now what? Are you going to "live" until you die a painful death while your family watches in agony? You will be dead and they will have images of you frail, convulsing, and and dying as the cancer moves through you. That's just how it is. It's time to be honest here.
    You will have people waiting for you on the other side. You will return to your pre cancer self, and you will watch over your family as they live their lives without you. Because you will be gone. How you beside to die is your choice. But how your living now is also a choice. Why are you living this way now? Have you asked yourself that? Are you scared to die? Have you not come to terms with your death?
    Life will go on. What memory do you want to leave your family? That is what you should be asking your self. If your alive, then get living. If your dead, then get busy dying. It's something we all must do.

    "God" didn't do this too you.

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    Replies
    1. "Mrs. Jackson"-- first of all, please learn the use of proper grammar-- you sounded dumb from the start, and reading your entire comment just confirmed it. What a disgusting and insensitive thing of you to say! Micah had some slight doubts in her faith and I don't blame her one bit. I would have given up on "God" a long time ago, but she didn't, and STILL hasn't. That's true strength and perseverance right there.

      She IS in pain and agony, and this is her way of expressing it. Why should she hide this fact? She no longer feels a purpose in life because she can't lead a normal one. It's at a time like this that she REALLY needs love and support, instead of an irrelevant person like you judging her for the slight doubt she's experiencing in her faith. So please, shut the f*** up.

      I won't remember her in her suffering, but in the courage and positivity she's kept this entire time. I will remember her for all the wonderful times we've shared together. I'm sure her family would say the same.

      I would never wish disease or death upon my worst enemy, but when your time does come one day, I doubt you'll handle it as bravely as Micah has been handling her entire battle.

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    2. "Mrs Jackson" maybe you will get terminal cancer and teach us all so much about how to just "deal with it" because of god. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are clearly coming down on her, when its you that could learn a thing or two from her. You are disgusting!

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  10. Clearly you didn't understand what she was trying to say...she doesn't say how she blame God for any of this...she's confuse in what God has plan for her..you don't know Micah she has been strong trying to stay positive but she's human & she had moment of doubt..you can't tell her she could of died younger or what kind of memories she's leaving for her family when you don't even know half of her battle..this has been painful for her close one & best believe what I will remember of her is how strong she was through this, trying her best to keep her spirit up & she has accept this more than you can imagine.

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  11. Dear Mrs Jackson,

    Let me start by saying - you are an idiot! What kind of person writes such a post to a young person fighting for her life? I know neither Micah nor yourself and I don't ever reply to anyone's posts or blogs but this time I just had to say something.

    You evidently know nothing about loss and death. When you lose a loved one, the "image" of agony - "frail and convulsive" as you describe it, is not at all what people remember about the one they lost. Disease and death don't define us. How we live is what defines us and that is what people will remember when we are gone. I feel sorry for the memories your loved ones will be left with when you are gone, as I imagine you are as much of a monster to them as you are to the rest of us.

    I just hope "God" doesn't give you what you wish upon others. In my experience, people like you end up worse than those they mock. Please do everyone a favour and refrain from making any aditional comments.

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  12. Dearest Micah,
    Thanks for being real and honest. Job was. That's why we can relate to his writings in the book of Job. Yet God did not give up on Him. Praying for you today as your post popped up on my news feed. Praying that God will give you the strength to persevere in your faith - the desire you've expressed is to stay strong in your faith in Him. The Holy Spirit hears you even when you don't know how to pray. He prays for you with groanings too deep for words, it says in Romans 8. May the Lord help you to continue to see His Love for you.

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  13. Dear Micah,

    I don't know you but I have been reading your blogs. I wanted to say that your blogs have touched my heart, and I am sure it does many others too. It's not because of what you are going through, but rather that you shared this most personal journey with us. Through your words I can see your genuine personality, your feelings of faith, strength, fear and courage - they are very honest and raw as you said... We are human, so we should embrace all of those feelings.
    I work for a cancer research center, and you are among many patients (reasons) I put my time and effort to trying to make new cures possible. There are no right words to say, and however cliched this may be, I am sorry you are going through this ordeal. Life is a short time of space in which we live, so we try to make the best of it until our time on earth is up. While you feel you are not "living", please look back on your life rather than think of what could have happened in the future. I hope that looking back on your life, reflecting only on good memories and experiences with your loved ones, will bring you some comfort and peace. I will definitely not forget you.

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  14. For those who are unaware:

    http://www.ctvnews.ca/canada/terminally-ill-calgary-woman-who-had-wedding-after-diagnosis-dies-foundation-1.3432182

    A sad day indeed.

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  15. thanks for letting us know of the sad news...

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  16. Rip. Ur memories will not be forgotten see you soon

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